In a modern, dynamic and ever-changing world one of the most difficult things to negotiate in life is dating and relationships. In fact, so prominent is the issue of interpersonal relationships that you will find a wealth of websites claiming to have the key to success, as well as telling you what you need to do in order to be considered a “man”. Terms like “Alpha” and “Beta” have become part of the modern dating vernacular, for the most part these terms do men a great disservice.
Dating is a complex and troublesome landscape and navigating it is equally perplexing to most. Resulting in repeated heartbreaks and ever-lowering self-worth, causing men to sit and contemplate the big question; “What is wrong with me?”
Well the good news is there is nothing wrong with you, however; you may be making bad choices that ultimately cause the negative cycles to occur. I am writing this series of articles to help you embrace the idea of making positive and meaningful choices to find more fulfilment from your dating life.
One of the key bad choices that men (and women) make is their selection of partner. We all see this playing out through our friends on social media, the people miserable and stuck in fruitless marriages, the people that hop from one relationship to the next claiming this one is “the one” and those that seem to have no luck at all attracting a partner and whose newsfeeds read like a depressed litany of thoughts about how they are not worthy of love.
Here are 3 types of women to avoid when dating;
The Victim that Falls in Love too Easily
Abuse in relationships is all too common and unfortunately there are many people that have only ever experienced abuse in relationships. They find themselves in a cycle that only they can break free of, sometimes, that cycle isn’t broken. When someone has not experienced a healthy relationship, they mistake simple and often innocuous acts of kindness for love.
They haven’t experienced kindness previously and associate even the smallest gesture with what it must mean to be in love. It is completely unfortunate, especially considering that these people might make the best partners in the long run, but first and foremost they need to heal from the abuse they have suffered from.
That means that before they seek love, they need to come to terms with their experiences and crucially they need understand what a healthy relationship is. They may have grown up in abusive households, witnessed unhealthy relationships from the moment they were born. These are deeply rooted problems that they must look to overcome.
They can’t do this in a relationship, they need to do this with the help of others of course but not in a relationship setting. A victim tends to exhibit a pattern of behaviour, seeking out the wrong type of relationship and because they haven’t experienced a healthy relationship (no matter how honourable you are), they will always struggle to maintain a healthy relationship until the unresolved issues are dealt with.
Common indicators that someone falls into this category is an over-eagerness to engage with you, neediness, persistent need for affirmation and unfortunately, victims of abuse tend to have abusive tendencies because it is the only way they know and have experienced in the expression of “love”.
If someone says those three words too quickly, it is a clear alarm bell and you need to try your best to take stock of the situation in a mature way.
The Closed Book
When seeking out a relationship the goal is to develop a long-standing bond in which you as individuals find a stable platform to grow. This means both personal growth and as a whole, together.
A common misconception is that you need an individual to complete you, or that a relationship is two halves that make a whole. Relationships that are truly successful enhance the lives of each other through that relationship and allow expression of each individual.
If you seek out a relationship with someone that doesn’t seek to enhance your life, help you along on your journey to success and make the small sacrifices all relationships need to succeed then you are inevitably in for a very rough time.
People that exhibit closed book behaviours are often afraid of expressing themselves (perhaps they have been hurt in the past) and will act in an unnatural manner as the relationship progresses. They exhibit traits quite the opposite of the “Victim” mentioned above, however generally there has been some pain in their life that leads them to be emotionally restrictive.
A closed book individual will often fail to communicate effectively (a key relationship pillar) and can at times feel alien or distant to you. This leads to an unhealthy push pull relationship, where one partner feels like they are making the effort to build a strong relationship while feeling undermined or even shut out by the other. They then in an effort to solidify the relationship push harder for a resolution they seek causing the person that is being pushed to draw themselves further away.
Eventually something has to give and more often than not these relationships end in a bitter break-up or a very unhappy coupling.
When dating a closed book individual, you will notice very common traits that should signal to you that this person isn’t for you. These traits are failing to respond to messages or extremely long periods between messages, an unwillingness to listen to your thoughts or opinions, inability to fully commit to a relationship (which sometimes leads to infidelity) and the inability to make short or long-term plans and stick to them.
Closed book individuals tend to consider only their feelings in a relationship and can be incredibly toxic partners. It is best to let that individual realise they have unresolved issues and then seek to overcome them. You can’t be their Superman, you can’t change, fix or save them.
The Aspirational Individual
This is the category I fall under (though not a woman) and it is also something to be very wary of when entering into a relationship with this particular type of person. There are a few people in the world that will put personal success and the pursuit of their dreams before a romantic commitment.
Dreamers tend to have a very idealised view of relationships and will often become disenchanted in a relationship setting, even if they think you are the person, they “always dreamed of”. This is primarily because the weight of expectation that individual has is too high and sometimes the mundanity of relationships become a massive hurdle for them to overcome.
Any successful relationship needs time and effort to be made on both parts as well as a good deal of sacrifice. Dreamers struggle to weigh up priorities, chasing their goals over the goals of a relationship and it often leads to heartbreak, infidelity or both.
Be mindful when dating to look out for individuals that put too much focus on their “dream” scenario, i.e. “their dream wedding” or people that have already mapped out a complete life with a big goal and how they intend to get there. These people will not hesitate to sacrifice a relationship in search of their goals and often relationships aren’t factored into their overall plan at all.
They happen by happy (or unhappy) circumstance and ultimately (if not factored into their grand plan) relationships will fall by the wayside.
If an individual is too busy to make time for you, unable to discuss common goals beyond their overall goal or shows reluctance to compromise it is a clear indication that this person is self/goal orientated and unless the relationship itself is part of that overall goal, it will become disposable.
I hope you enjoyed reading my article about types of women (people) to avoid when dating, I will follow up soon with an article of the three types of women to embrace when dating, arming you with the tools to make better initial decisions for a fruitful and successful long-term relationship.
BEing huMAN: Relationship Advice and Self Help for Men
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