We have all been there, in the depths of our misery and feeling insecure, unworthy of love or that we have lost the love of our lives we turn to “dating gurus” who all preach a variation of the No Contact Rule.
Hell – even I preach a variation of the No Contact Rule.
There are some very good relationship coaches and advisors out there – but they are few and far between and you can easily be led down a blind alley. Worse still, the majority of the dating advice I see to get your ex back leads to complete failure.
I am going to save you from making those mistakes by telling you the three main reasons the no contact rule isn’t working or the advice you have taken won’t get the desired results – i.e. get your ex back.
No Contact Means No Contact – Period
So, a lot of the dating advice I see says one of two things, either initiate no contact for a fixed duration of time and then make contact – or refrain from contact until your ex shows an interest (however vague that interest may be) and then you make contact.
In the words of Judge Judy – this is dumb and dumber. If you go no contact you need to make sure you never initiate contact again. It means that the only time you respond is after your ex has made contact with you. Some exes will never make contact again (this is something the gurus fail to point out) and that is fine, because people move on – more importantly people change.
If you’re reaching out after a set amount of time do you really think your ex who you hold on a pedestal is that stupid that they won’t see right through that? It won’t remind them of the childish game-playing they had in their first relationships? It won’t come across as needy?
Strike one – any relationship guru that tells you to reach out after a set amount of time is a false prophet my friend and they will not get your ex back.
Waiting for Your Ex to Show Interest
Next – the waiting until your ex shows an interest card. Many progressive “relationship gurus” realise that the old way isn’t working. People are wise to it, and worse, people are leaving bad reviews about their books, courses, programs etc.
They then adapted their strategies to a vague “your ex will show interest about what you’re up to and then you should strike and make contact!” The trouble is most relationship advisors can’t get past the hurdle of not providing a concrete plan that someone who is heartbroken will feel like they have a better chance of success by following it.
This vague contact rule doesn’t work either. Have you ever craved a food and then bought it, eaten it and thought “that wasn’t as good as I thought it would be”. Well that is exactly what will happen in this scenario – sure your ex might wonder about you, but you haven’t let that feeling dwell long enough to become anything substantial. By jumping the minute the hoop is presented you may well get through it, but you will crash hard on the other side and your ex won’t care.
After all, the minute they got an itch… you scratched it. Game over!
Not Defining No Contact Properly
Another sure-fire way to fail miserably at getting your ex back is to utilise no contact in a way that doesn’t actually withhold you from your ex. A key example of this and I have seen it in people that I have mentored is social media.
For some reason people are reluctant to cut all ties. No contact really does mean that. It means not only means unfriend them on Facebook, it means block them. It means delete them from the group Whatsapp or if you can’t remove yourself from the Whatsapp group. It means cutting all physical, emotional, metaphysical – you get the picture.
Simply removing them isn’t going to achieve anything, make yourself inaccessible to your ex. I had one guy that felt guilty about going no contact and he wrote a long message to his ex, telling her that he was going to go no contact. Killed it dead there and then. You can’t consider your ex’s feelings when going no contact.
Remove your ex’s friends and ensure that they can’t stalk you using their mates. No contact needs to be a sudden and complete disconnect. The reason for this is really simple – it will make your ex wonder what the hell is going on. The more your ex wonders the more you’re on their mind and this will mean their subconscious tells them that they miss you.
A top tip for the no contact rule to get your ex back – make the no contact so thorough that even when your ex does decide to make contact with you, it is difficult to do so. I had one ex post a letter through my door – in the 21st century – they wrote a letter.
No Contact Doesn’t Work When You Have Tied Yourself to a Person or Have Children
This is probably my biggest and most grievous dislike of the “relationship guru” industry. They tell you to go no contact when you have kids, mortgages, tenancies, joint finance, joint debt…
I hate to burst your bubble – the no contact rule only works if you are completely and undeniably disconnected from your ex. If you have kids with an ex and you’re thinking about going no contact to the detriment of your children then you need to stop and re-evaluate your life. The same goes for anyone that advocates no contact in these situations.
Being completely honest, having kids with someone doesn’t prevent you getting back with them. It just means you can’t use no contact to do it. Instead, focus on building an independent and fulfilling life and you will probably find your ex is willing to give it another shot when they see how well you’re functioning on your own.
I personally recommend the no contact rule to get your ex back because if you do it correctly it gives you the best chance to get your ex back. But, you need to know it isn’t simply about going no contact, there are things you need to be doing whilst no contact is initiated to ensure when that moment does come and your ex crawls back to you – you can make the best choice for yourself what to do.
Going no contact is not easy, it is a cold approach to get a desired result. Some people aren’t cut out for it. If you’re ready to do no contact properly make sure you stick to the rules above – for an in depth plan for a fraction of the cost of a session with a “relationship coach” get my book Being Human which will cover off EVERYTHING you need to do whilst in no contact.
IF you have kids and want your ex back – I highly recommend being responsible and putting your kids need for both their parents before your need for a relationship that has broken down. You can still benefit from all of the advice in my eBook, just make sure you apply it in a setting that prevents your children from missing out.